Truths and Trust
by Bekuh
Summary: During the school year Natsuki comes to a heart-wrenching realization. Will she accept her new feelings and take a chance to trust someone else? Or will she deny her feelings to preserve a friendship? Slightly AU, no carnival. Rated M for later chapters
1. Waiting for Spring and What Might Come

**Chapter One: Waiting for Spring and What Might Come**

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><p>"<em>Within every person embodies a number of truths. One, with enough reason, anyone can conceal or mishandle a situation in their favor. Two, hate is a nature's instinct and love is a forced affection. And three, regardless of how close a person claims to be, sheer words can determine the line between affection and malice…and even cross it." <em>Deeply engrossed in her thoughts, Natsuki allowed herself to drift from her reverie with a gentle sigh. She was never one for sitting in one place for an extensive amount of time, and it seemed school was just that. She uncomfortably shifted in her plastic chair resting her heavy head on her palm while scaling the monotonous classroom that surrounded her. The teacher broodingly sorted through student's papers at his desk that sat adjacent to the crowd of poorly aligned desks. The room felt thick with silence besides the occasional murmur between friends.

"_Only ten more minutes…"_ Natsuki thought with thinning patience. Looking down at her blank worksheet she reprimanded herself for signing up for such a dull class, psychology. She thought it would be an interesting subject to study but after months of a drearily plain teacher with no personality and uncaring students, she found no pleasure in attending this class (which she hardly did). Before she was able to return to her self-pitying she was snapped into attention by a screeching chair being shoved from under the teacher as he stood to address the class.

"As you all know, mid-terms are coming up. I want all of you to study hard and to pass!" Mr. Hotaka forcefully exclaimed as an awkward smile pried its way onto his usually timid complexion. It was obvious he was a plain man, with nothing redeeming to set him apart from the crowd.

"_Tsk,"_ Natsuki mentally sneered while sucking her teeth, _"You'll be lucky if I even decide to show up for the damned thing." _She finished the thought by shoving her books into her tan messenger bag that she disdainfully noticed matched her school uniform; an orange vest, beige skirt that was shorter than she felt comfortable with, and a white hoodie that she so rebelliously wore underneath the vest. Just then she felt relief wash over her annoyed state when the bell chimed in to declare the end of the school day.

The class scrambled up to run out the door making it a battle to squeeze out the small opening in the thick classroom walls. Natsuki impatiently shoved her way through the bodies leaving behind a blur of a dark shade of hair, that when in light seemingly shimmered into a brilliant cobalt hue. There was no doubt of her beauty, but she only found the attention of the timid boys and girls very annoying. She was known as a cold person to many and she wanted to keep it that way. She would never pity her enclosed personality; rather she prides herself in how difficult it is for others to approach her. As if intimidation was her number one goal. But even with her icy ways, some people were bold enough to endure her apprehensive attitude.

"Natsuki!" A familiar voice chided above the clatter in the hallways.

Whipping her head around to meet the owner of the voice, she allowed others to make their way past her as her friend caught up to her. "Hey Mai, hey Mikoto." She nodded to her friend and then to the smaller one when she saw her sneak out from behind her like a shadow acting as another limb, always attached to her.

"Hey would you like to come to a karaoke party? I got us all a reservation!" Mai bubbled in excitement with her eyes beaming at Natsuki almost in an attempt to persuade her.

With a hard gulp Natsuki mentally fought over the question and eventually forced her head to move in a slow nod. She could swear she almost felt her neck creak with resistance to the idea. "Sure, that sounds like fun but uh…" As she continued her voice seemed to drop in confidence, "who all will be there?" She had no problem being around most people but there were some days she didn't want to deal with a certain red-head and an intimidating tawny haired beauty.

Mai's lips thinned in understanding, trying to make out a sympathetic smile, "Well everyone will be, but please Natsuki, it will be fun! I promise!" Mai gently brought her hand to Natsuki's arm to reassure her.

"Yeah…" With eyebrows knitted, Natsuki's eyes drifted off into the now quieting hallways. Sunlight gleamed through the outlying windows, splaying out on the cold grey floors that are home to the occasional lost pencil and debris from some messy student's binder. Noticing Natsuki's troubled and distant stare, Mai gently squeezed her arm. The dark haired girls gaze lazily drifted back onto her friend's worried expression and moving mouth but not consciously comprehending the words. She also noted Mikoto yawning and tugging on Mai's skirt probably protesting for food.

"Natsuki? Hey are you alright?" Mai's motherly tone made itself apparent while she absent-mindedly put a hand on the younger girls head to show she heard Mikoto's whimper.

"Um, yeah I'm fine," Natsuki eventually shook herself from her trance and forced a smile. "Just call me with the time and I'll be there." she finished with a more convincing demeanor hoping to appease her friend. _"There's no way I'd have some sappy therapy session in a place like this. As if I ever would, I don't need one."_ She inwardly stated cursing herself for her moment of weakness.

"Alright Natsuki, I'll talk to you later then." The orange haired girl reluctantly released her seize on her friend's arm and smiled.

"Yeah." Natsuki ended with a brief nod and twisted around on her heels to pace down the now empty halls with the exception of the random lingering students. Rubber dully smacked against the dusty linoleum floors as she walked with haste to the doors.

"_Fresh, crisp air."_ She appraised the feeling of the outdoors as the sun bathed her in warmth and she could hear the faint sounds of an approaching spring. Birds stretched their wings from a long winter with a lingering call that resonated through the campus. Green stretched on for what seemed like forever until it was halted at the horizon of trees that surrounded most of the school. The trees, she noted, were just beginning to regain their deep green tints.

With a genuine smile she walked toward her beloved Ducati she parked within the thinly spread woods. Quickly scanning the area to ensure it was empty of prying eyes; she quickly stripped and made her way into a body suit that hugged her petite figure. Donning the suit almost like a second skin she hummed happily as she enjoyed the sound of the zipper making its way up her torso as she tugged on it.

"My, well it seems as though Natsuki is very comfortable within the woods." Natsuki froze, her skin felt as if it turned to ice while her insides burned with fire that seemed to coarse through every vein at the sound of that voice. Heart thumping against her frail chest she turned to meet the distant gaze of an older girl, standing on the near outskirts of the forest, who only smiled with an amused glint in her eyes.

"_Those eyes."_ They captivated her, she felt weak at the sight but she worked hard to disguise it. Or at least tried to.

"Shizuru! H-how long were you standing there!" The younger girl sputtered, trying hard to sound intimidating to distract the fact that her face was burning and her tone was obviously weak.

A soft giggle escaped Shizuru's lips, tempted to tease the red-faced girl before her. "Why, does Natsuki not like my company? I saw you and all I wanted to do was make sure you wouldn't hate being around me during the party tonight…but if Natsuki doesn't want to see me…" She trailed off with a fake hurt expression adorning her face hoping that Natsuki would take her bait.

"N-no! I would uh…love to be there." She quickly retorted hoping to calm the brunette.

"Great!" Shizuru gleamed while clapping her hands together revealing no sense of sadness. "And unless you want to catch a cold, you might want to cover that body of yours." She added, unable to resist the urge to see the younger girl gape at the amount of cleavage she had been unknowingly exposing.

With a grunt and mumbles Natsuki snatched her zipper and abruptly tugged it up with her face turned unable to return the gaze of those searing crimson eyes.

Content with herself the brunette said her goodbyes and twirled around on her heels and seemingly skipped off.

After sensing her surroundings were now vacant she unconsciously let out a sigh. Her leather clad shoulders drooped as her eyes slowly scanned down her bike, eventually resting on the ground. Ants wrestled through the thick patches of grass that spotted the forest floor, all in unspoken order.

"_I can't let my mind wander too much. Why can't I just act normal around her…why does she make my body burn with her presence? That woman, she will be the death of me I swear."_ The rebellious student stared at the mindless marching of ants for an eternity as she wallowed in her sea of swimming questions until she decided not every question needs an answer. Before she could let her conscience fight against her resolve she swung her leg making a light metallic thunk as the kick in her Ducati snapped back and hopped on her bike. Starting it up, the machine had let out a sputter and low hum then jumped into movement. Tires dug up soil begging for traction on the ground to accelerate and Natsuki sped away from the woods to the road that took her away from this hell-hole school.

Lights and cars became a blur as Natsuki wedged through the cluttered streets on her bike. Hair whipped behind her in tendrils of magnificent blue, leaving a gust of wind chasing behind. Like many days as of lately, Natsuki has felt engrossed in her endless thoughts. Some days it was questions on what she will do with her life, where her focus was, and other days it would be thousands of small questions of things that don't hold any significance. She assumed that this is just some weird mood that she's been stuck in for the past few…well months it seems. It all rooted back to winter time. After Shizuru invited Natsuki to her parent's estate in Kyoto during the holiday to celebrate the former's birthday, the rebellious teenager had been wallowing in what would seem like endless self-loathing.

Flashback:

"I am really glad you decided to come to my parent's home, I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather celebrate my birthday with Na-tsu-ki." A familiar accent played with the syllables of Natsuki's name in a teasing manor.

"Yeah whatever." The blunette girl almost barked out to the smiling older girl trying to ignore the glint of bliss that glazed over brilliant, deep wine colored orbs. The younger girl let out a huff and whipped her head away from Shizuru's glare trying to mask the growing redness in her cheeks. "Sorry I didn't get you anything, I didn't think you would mind since a girl like you seems to have everything she needs." After the last word died on her lips she realized that it might have seemed harsher than she meant it to be. She turned her eyes, unintentionally locking onto crimson ones that seemed to hold a faint sign of…pain? Longing? Alarmed she hurt her best friend's feelings she retorted, "…I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to sound cruel or anything." Natsuki placed her hand on Shizuru's. Silence cut through Natsuki like a searing knife as she starred into the eyes of the girl she cared about. _"Her eyes…"_ Natsuki began to be swept up by a gust of emotion that bubbled in her chest. _"I never realized just how beautiful they are."_ At that moment something broke in Natuki's heart, ice melted and something warmer than she ever felt oozed out of every crevice of her hardened core; she was beginning to soften.

"What makes you think you were harsh? I am from a wealthy family after all; I wouldn't blame you for assuming so." Kyoto-ben laced the air and snapped the biker from her revere.

The younger girl internally realized what she was doing and tore her arm from the contact. She brooded in horror of the feelings that ruptured in her heart when she was lost in thought. _"What the HELL was that! I'm sick! How could I let myself even feel like that? Wait...does this mean…I like Shizuru…?"_ Natsuki heard her heartbeat in her ears and a pink tinge rose to her face.

Trying to maintain a calmed outer appearance Natsuki shook her head, "Okay, well…um…we can just go shopping or whatever so you can show me around Kyoto…and if you like anything you see I'll get it for you ok?" Uncertainty of her feelings fought to make its appearance in her voice as it began to quiver.

End of Flashback.

Ever since that realization, thoughts have become nothing but a battle of heart against brains.

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><p>well that's chapter one! This is my first attempt at a story so please be gentle, R&amp;R!<p> 


	2. Breaking Down These Walls

Here's the next chapter! I really hope you all enjoy it. This is my first fanfiction so be please patient as I'm still working out the kinks. But other than that, thanks to everyone who favorite/reviewed! I hope you all like it. : )

"Dialog"

"_Thoughts"_

**Chapter Two: Breaking Down**** These Walls**_  
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><p>Slam.<p>

The thick white apartment door made a hard impact against its frame. The owner rushed inside as if she was in a hurry to be somewhere. In reality the cobalt haired girl had nothing to do but wait until Mai's call.

In reality she was nervous, nervous as hell. Her earlier encounter with Shizuru was something she could brush off while enjoying a ride on her bike but now that there was nothing to occupy her mind there was a dam that broke loose in her mind. No matter what Natsuki did it always seemed that the Kaichou haunted her every thought.

Pacing around the entrance to her apartment that was a short hallway leading to a front room occupied by bland pieces of furniture made the environments slightly more welcoming, she decided on a small snack to keep her mind busy. Walking through the apartment, she made her way to the open archway that separated the compact kitchen from the front room. The younger girl opened the door and sagged against it with a small sigh, searching for anything to spark her interest. She opted for a mayo slathered ham sandwich and reached for all the ingredients. Spinning around she kicked the fridge door causing another loud slam to ring in the apartment. It seemed with all the things on the younger girl's mind, each action resulted in slamming or tearing at with frustration. Once she was satisfied with the amount of goop that she spread on the bread she followed with ham to top it off and put the sandwich together and shoved it into her mouth, taking an unladylike chomp and staring off as she tried to chew the large mush of food.

After swallowing, Natsuki looked around the apartment not focusing on anything in particular, and then her eyes settled on the game station that was splayed out in front of the TV. With the sandwich in hand she lazily treaded over to it and turned it on. "Might as well do something interesting while I wait." She spoke to herself and then took another huge bite, catching the oozing mayo that fought to escape. Looking up she saw the clock, it was just past three P.M. and she finished her snack and picked up the controller and plopped on the couch that rested against the wall parallel to the TV.

Anxiety soon left her as she engrossed herself in a game involving sci-fi creatures in which she took great pleasure in shooting their ugly heads off. A few hours had past and she was now lying on her side with her elbow on the arm rest propping herself up. A familiar chime went off and Natsuki was torn from her game playing. Absent mindedly she paused and opened her phone, "Yo." She greeted into the phone.

"Hey Natsuki!" Mai bubbled with hardly kept excitement. "You ready for tonight? It's going to be at 6 at our usual place." She chided

Looking at the clock with a small grimace she saw she had only an hour before it started. "Yeah, that sounds great I'll be there." Natsuki responded, a little more abruptly than she meant to.

"You alright Natsuki?" Came a worried response from the busty girl. Natsuki knew she meant well but sometimes it really annoyed her how many times Mai asked this.

"Yeah I'm fine, just was playing a video game is all. I'll see you there Mai." The blue haired girl tried to end the call with a convincing note, but knowing Mai she isn't someone to be convinced very easily.

"Alright Natsuki…see you then." Natsuki faintly heard her respond and closed her phone. With a lazy grunt she forced herself off of the couch and towards her bedroom.

"_I should probably get a quick shower before I leave."_ Grabbing a towel from the rack she paced across her room to the door to the bathroom. She quickly stripped herself of her uniform and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water warm her and calm the thoughts that had been plaguing her all day.

After a relaxing shower she stepped out, wrapped a towel loosely over her lithe body and went to her closet. Scanning the options, Natsuki settled on a pair of tight, faded jeans with a small tear near the left knee and a white v neck top that hugged her small figure. After picking out her attire and throwing them onto her bed she went to the drawers to find a pair of matching panties and bras.

Once she was dressed she rung her hair out and drying it with her hairdryer, she threw it up in a loose bun, leaving two thick bangs to hang around her face.

The young girl briskly grabbed her keys and helmet and left her apartment, down the stairs, and outside to her parked Ducati. _"Tonight's going to be…interesting." _She thought as she carefully put on her helmet as to not disturb her bun and prompted to drive off in the direction of the party.

The party went smoothly as Natsuki tried hard to concentrate on whomever was singing at the moment rather than the curious red orbs that seemed to be on her all night. Sake was passed around as the atmosphere was playful and bubbly. She was never one for much drinking so she settled with one drink or sake and then followed with some soda. Before she knew it hours flew by that was filled with laughter and fun, and it was already 11 o'clock.

Shizuru scooted closer to Natsuki on the small couch they shared and spoke over the chatter of the other girls. "Would Natsuki mind if I came over?"

The blue haired girl involuntarily shivered at the question and dumbly nodded at the sparkling pair of eyes that seemed to glow brighter at her answer. _"Get a hold on yourself Kuga, it's just a friend sleeping over. Nothing else."_

The two girls excused themselves and made their way to the motocycle that was parked out front. Natsuki was fine to drive but she could tell Shizuru had a little more to drink that herself and the small giggly grin on the Kyoto woman's face proved it. Once on the bike, Natsuki felt long slender arms slowly encircle her waist and her face burned. The biker revved the engine and fought back the burning sensations in her chest, trying to end her tidal waves with one last gulp and sped off.

The night seemed uneventful when they arrived to the apartment, which Natsuki thanked for. Shizuru gave her puppy eyes and asked to sleep with her in the bed tonight. Inwardly she panicked but to not cause a scene she slowly nodded and got ready for bed. Once they were both lying down, the older girl innocently clung to Natuski and hummed in contentment. The rebel could hear her heart pounding in her ears as she lied there uncomfortably for what seemed like forever, as her brain spewed out a never ending torrent of questions and panicked thoughts.

After she knew Shizuru would be asleep, she gently excused herself and tip toed out into the front room after grabbing a leather jacket with a certain object of her interest in it. She slipped out of the room and shrugged on the jacket, zipping it up over her nightwear and paced over to the door that connected to the hallways of the apartment building.

Walking outside Natsuki was greeted with a small chilling breeze that left a wake of musty night air. She let out a sigh she unknowingly seemed to keep the whole time she was near Shizuru, why she could never be calm around those strong crimson eyes was a question she knew the answer to, but didn't want to believe. The biker sat down with a huff on the edge of the sidewalk that lay just below the window to her second floor apartment. She shoved a hand into the leather jacket she threw on and retrieved a small rectangular carton that had never been opened. _"I never usually resort to this sort of thing, but hell if I can get a motorcycle under the table, why not some cigarettes."_ Natsuki finished her thought as she peeled off the plastic covering and drew back the lid to the box, withdrawing a slender white cigarette and placing the end lightly between her lips. She shoved the box back into her pocket and withdrew a lighter, lit the end and took in a hesitant first draw of air. It burned the back of her throat but she fought back a cough and let out the smoke smoothly and watched it dissipate against the dark night. Once again she succumbed to the suffocating questions that never let her sleep or think in peace; _"Why do I like her? And why can't I just let it go? There's no way someone like her would ever like me. I'm sure if she knew she would be disgusted at me. I'm…a monster for liking her." _Mixed emotions of anger at herself and a pained feeling swelled in her chest and she sought to erase them with a curt inhale and exhale of the toxic smoke.

Lost in her own thoughts, Natsuki failed to hear the small scraping of a window being opened by Shizuru whose face showed signs of a sleepy daze. The older woman remained quiet as she tried to make out the figure that sat below. She heard a faint murmur and recognized it as Natsuki's voice, followed by and inhale, and then a faint cloud of smoke. The girl below sounded distressed and the body language that mimicked could faintly be seen. The honey haired girl's heart tugged at the image; she wanted to put out that cancerous stick and envelope the younger girl in a hug.

Deciding to be quiet, Shizuru slipped the window down and made her way downstairs of the apartment complex and gently opened the door that led to the outside. "Natsuki, Is everything alright?" She inquired and watched the blue haired girl stiffen instantly; insure what to do with the incriminating evidence between her fingers.

Trying to hide the cigarette she craned her neck to meet Shizuru's gaze. "H-hey, don't mind me I just wanted to get some fresh air…um, just go back to bed, I'm ok." Natsuki tried to smile reassuringly, but the ending came out more like a desperate plead than a command.

Sensing the distraught look Natsuki unknowingly held in her face, Shizuru was unable to turn away when something had been troubling her dearest friend. She strode over with a small smile on her face she begrudgingly sat on the dirty concrete just to be nearer to the younger girl. Although she was unable to take her eyes off the half burned cigarette that now seemed flattened between two nervous fingers once she sat down.

"_Great. I know that face."_ Natsuki inwardly cringed. She knew Shizuru was never one to impose her morals on others, but when the older girl couldn't help but to stare off at the object of her discontent; she was fighting the urge to voice her opinion. With that Natsuki grounded the weak cigarette against the sidewalk and flicked it far away from the two to be lost in the enveloping night.

"But didn't Natsuki want to finish it?" Shizuru questioned, observing the girl's profile hoping she was not the cause for the sudden action.

"Nah, I didn't really like it anyway." Natsuki finished and turned her head softly in the other girl's direction, catching some sort of guilt in the pair of eyes that seemed to look through her. She shifted a bit out of discomfort and continued. "It's ok Shizuru I just don't want to disappoint you." And with that she realized Shizuru's face contorted slightly, only just enough for her to catch on. The pit of her stomach dropped and she looked down in shame and embarrassment. _"Shit, my breath must reek of that smoke."_

Just as Shizuru was about to respond, Natsuki bolted up in an attempt to end the subject. A hand was outreached to her but it seemed that the younger girl refused to make any eye contact.

"Come on, we should probably get to bed, it's late." Natsuki forced out in a rushed manor. Shizuru decided not to push her luck and took the help offered to get up from the sidewalk. Just as the taller girl began to rise, she felt a hard tug.

Natsuki, not realizing her strength, in a curt motion pulled the older girl too far and Shizuru fell against the rigid younger girl. Time slowed and neither knew what to do in this awkward moment. In hopes to soothe the bothered girl, Shizuru slowly wrapped her now free arms around the stiffened body. "Thank you for the help Natsuki, but it seems that you do not know your own strength." The older girl giggled and rested her head in the crook of Natsuki's neck.

The chuckle could be felt against her neck and Natsuki's heart rate tripled as she struggled to contain herself. "Don't mention it." She replied as she turned her head away to hide the smoky odor from the other girl.

Noticing her actions, Shizuru smiled and continued her sly teasing of the other girl. "My, how will I repay you for such help? Maybe with a kiss…"

A time bomb exploded at the base of Natsuki's skull with the last word that oozed from those lips, which were probably turned up in amusement. She stood there unknowing of what to do next, but then felt a soft wet kiss being placed on the hollow of her neck. It was a soft, chaste kiss that left just as quickly as it came. The sensation swelled and her knees buckled. A soft whimper escaped from the already built pressure of her bottling up her affections for the older girl. _"Fuck."_ Now she was caught. Her hard work of hiding these emotions behind walls crumbled as she felt a tidal wave engulf her. She couldn't breathe, her chest felt like it was going to be crushed, and every part of her body felt as if it had been electrocuted.

Shizuru inwardly shuddered and stood there dumbly as a pink tinge rose to her cheeks at the sound of that needy cry. _"Have I gone too far?" _Anxiety rose in the Kyoto woman's chest as she swiftly yet gracefully let her hold on Natsuki go. She could not exactly describe the feelings that bore into her chest, but it seemed to have a hint of desire that sparked when she heard that eliciting whimper. Swiveling around to hide her crumbling mask she called out, "Come on Nastuki, you don't want to catch a cold." Ending with a giggle, Shizuru kept her back to Natsuki and entered the building.

Behind stood Natsuki, as she stared blankly at the door as realization made itself known. Her heart hit bottom and any feeling she of hope, had been crushed. Mistaking Shizuru's sudden actions to ones of disgust and rejection, she hung her head as tears threatened to break free. _"I knew it; she could never like someone like me." _She felt hollow as she tried desperately to regain her composer to keep from worrying her friend. Natsuki strode to the door and with a firm grasp, opened it and proceeded to the stairs. Each step seemed harder than the last and the weight of her heart made her legs feel as though they were made of lead. Now in front of her apartment, she stood for a second and with a large inhale she opened the door. Greeted with nothing but the silence and emptiness of the front room, she thought idly that Shizuru must be in her bedroom, but the thought of following caused a pang of hurt to prick at her heart. The couch would be her bed tonight, she decided as she grabbed an extra pillow and blanket from the hall closet.

Throwing her limp body onto the couch she adjusted herself and draped the blanket lazily over herself. "It's going to take a miracle to get to sleep tonight." Natsuki thought as she stared blankly at the dimly lit wall across from her.

The night dragged on with tossing, turning, cursing herself for her hopes and the small tears that escaped when she replayed the events that took place earlier. Finally exhaustion took hold and her heavy eyes shut, forcing a last tear to roll away.

In the other room Shizuru sat clutching her knees against her chest as she realized she would be sleeping alone tonight. She felt guilty about pushing Natsuki's personal boundaries and she was sure the other girl was mad at her for it. She sighed and laid down promising to herself that she would make it up to Natsuki in the morning with her favorite breakfast.

Silence hung thickly in the one bedroom apartment as the two women fell into a troubled slumber. The dark closed on them both and reality slowly slipped from their mental grasps.

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><p>That's it for this chapter! Yes there will be misunderstandings and angst! hahah<p>

I hope you liked it, R&R please :)


	3. Hesitation

Here's another chapter you guys! Enjoy!

"Dialog"

"_Thoughts"_

**Chapter Three: Hesitation**_  
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><p>Brushing, breathing, rustling. The craving in the air hug thickly to the sheen of sweat two beauties wore. They were laying, entwined within themselves dancing in throes of passion. Heat swelled within Natsuki's chest and gasped as the body on top of her glided rather fluently due to perspiration and ran a searing hot, wet tongue against the hollow of her neck. She felt like the older woman was going to devour her whole, and the idea caused her to squeeze her thighs together in fiery need. She opened her eyes in a pleading manor and her mouth hung agape, only able to choke out broken whimpers and blowing warm puffs of air over Shizuru's beautiful face. The latter knew what she was begging for, as a slow, warm smile spread across her lips. Slowly Shizuru made her way down Natsuki's body, licking and nipping whenever she yearned to taste the passion on the younger girl's skin.<p>

Natsuki could only crush her eyes shut and shuddered when hot air crept over the apex of her legs. Anticipation now was killing her; she needed to feel that warm muscle glide over her womanhood, licking up her desire.

Seconds ticked by and senses began to become fuzzy. The contact she was expecting never came. Confused she looked down to see what was going on. The colors began to fade and the image of the two young girls was eclipsed.

Realization soon came to Natsuki as her eyes shot open. It was just a dream, just a dream. _"Right, I can't be thinking about things like that."_ She mentally scolded herself. She lied on her back and stared at the ceiling, ignoring the beads of sweat that dotted her forehead. It didn't come to a surprise that the clothes were now soaked through and through due to the blue haired girl's dream.

Natsuki begrudgingly propped herself up on bent elbows to survey the area.

Suddenly she heard a small clutter in the kitchen followed by a wonderful smell. What she had not expected to hear was a soft humming coming from around the corner as the older girl prepared breakfast. Her body became rigid and on instinct her eyes fluttered shut to focus on the heavenly sound that carried its way throughout the small apartment. The kitchen was out of view, hidden behind the wall Natsuki laid parallel to, but she could easily envision the tawny haired woman gently gliding around the kitchen with such grace that no human could possibly match.

The soft tune took hold of the girl on the couch and without meaning to, an audible mumble of admiration escaped through the younger girl's hesitant lips. Eyes shot open when the sound reached her own ears and she scanned the area near the kitchen waiting to see if she accidently called attention to the older woman. As if on cue, a cheery face poked around the corner and lit up upon seeing Natsuki awake.

"Goodmorning Natsuki," Shizuru politely chimed "I made your favorite breakfast."

Shizuru looked over Natsuki hoping to find the girl in a good mood, although her heart faltered slightly at the sight. Dark rings hung below the younger girl's eyes and puffy eyelids slightly obstructed the usual gleam in those emerald irises. Tousled hair formed a messy frame around the troubled expression Natsuki unknowingly held.

"Natsuki, you look like you had a terrible nightmare" It sounded almost as a question that a statement and the worried expression was hardly masked.

Ruby eyes scanned over the forest ones, and the eye contact brought on a sinking, sickly feel in the younger girls stomach. Breaking the stare, she hung her head slightly and brought her eyes down to the floor.

"_You have no idea."_ Natsuki retorted in her mind. Knowing she couldn't keep her friend worried and waiting for a response, she cleared her throat, mustering the courage to look back and produce a small grin. "I'm fine Shizuru, just thinkin' about some stuff." She then resituated herself and sat up fully with her back against the armrest and legs outstretched. Natsuki tried her hardest to give an upbeat response in hopes to dismiss the worries and end the subject.

"_Please just leave it at that. Don't ask me what."_

There was a second of silence. The older woman seemed to be a statue, standing at the foot of the couch studying Natsuki. Her lips thinned as if she was unable to come to terms with the answer she was given. She then swiftly but gracefully sat at the end of the couch next to Natsuki's feet with a small, friendly smile. "About what, may I ask?" She was indeed interested and curious to know what was on her friends mind, but fought to keep it from sounding too demanding. She sensed her dearest friend would probably be pensive and feel cornered if she came on too strong with the question.

A twitch passed through Natsuki's features. Without much sleep she was powerless with controlling and hiding her emotions. She tried to maintain a stoic expression but her eyes filled with distress that begged Shizuru not to pry. But after a few seconds of painful stillness she realized Shizuru would not pull out of this and leave her be. "Um…" She swallowed hard. A headache could be felt as she started to feel cornered. She couldn't come up with anything! Not even a lie.

She felt at a loss for words and looked into the oddly calm eyes of her older friend. But thoughts of her dream came rushing back and she embarrassedly looked away. "Just school stuff." She lied.

Another quiet moment brushed by.

"You're lying."

Natsuki's eyes snapped up, and in a defensive manor her face contorted with brows drawn together and mouth hung. The only response from her friend was that same friendly smile and a warm twinkle in her eyes.

She might of have been lying but the fact that Shizuru wouldn't drop the topic and pressed futher, caused a small flicker of frustration to build in her chest. She didn't want to be talking about such matters, especially with Shizuru!

Trying to not voice her anger, Natsuki tried to end the whole conversation all together. "Don't you have stuff cooking in there?" Her head flicked up as to motion towards the kitchen. "It probably wouldn't be best to let it burn, yeah?" Her emotions and expression contracted themselves. Her face still held a hard expression but she tried to smooth her tone to appease her friend. Though she couldn't shake the pain that washed over her when last night's rejection came back to her mind.

"My, I guess you're right. I wouldn't want to ruin Natsuki's mayo waffles." With the end of the sentence she saw her friend slightly brighten at the idea. Shizuru's lips curled and she stood to return to the cooking.

As Shizuru walked around the corner she heard a shuffle and a ping, followed by opening music to Natuski's favorite video game.

"What is plaguing you, Natsuki?" Shizuru quietly whispered to herself, under the sounds of clattering dishes and the now loud actions of the video game.

After the breakfast had been prepared Natsuki lazily plopped on the bar stool counter that sat in front of a small opening in the wall in front of the kitchen. She slathered the goop on her waffle, and out of the corner of her eye, caught Shizuru's gaze.

This wasn't the same disapproving glace Shizuru held last night at her cigarette. This was a dazed look; she knew her friend was probably far off, thinking of something. Natsuki chose to act as though she didn't notice though; she didn't want to confront those questioning orbs and be held for an answer.

Breakfast passed with some silence, save the random friendly chatter that went back and forth. Neither had much to say but the quiet was not tense, both just ate in peace.

"I am sorry to say but I have some errands to run today for my father, so after I clean up I'll have to be on my way." Shizuru gave an apologetic smile over her now empty plate.

"Don't worry about it Shizuru, and I'll clean up since you went through the trouble of making me breakfast." Came the somewhat quick response, she didn't want Shizuru to decline the offer of cleaning out of politeness. To be honest it's not that she didn't want her around; it's that Natsuki needed a chance to think alone without the pressure of Shizuru's presence.

Shizuru noticed the strong tone and nodded. "Thank you Natsuki, you're sweet." She finished by placing a friendly hand over Natsuki's.

This caused the younger girl to stiffen under the contact. "Yeah yeah."

Natsuki felt the small breeze as Shizuru stood, making her way around the bar and to her phone. She watched the older woman as she gracefully stood in the frontroom with her back to her, one arm under her chest and the other to her ear as she held the device. The blue haired girl hardly heard Shizuru ask her father for a car to come pick her up, she was dazed, in a trace as she soaked up the view of her beautiful friend.

Soon after a car arrived and Shizuru made her goodbyes, leaving a small chaste kiss on her friend's cheek.

The apartment filled with an unnerving silence.

Natsuki dragged herself passed the kitchen, into the hallway that led to her bedroom. It was Saturday and usually that meant there wasn't much for her to do. Although today she felt for some reason there was a weight that needed to be taken off. Too many thoughts have been bottled up and she couldn't exactly feel as though she could call up Mai and pour her heart out.

Well, she knew her friend would always love to be there for her, but Natsuki just couldn't voice these thoughts. No, it pained her more at the thought of opening up than dealing with the weight on her own.

She walked until she found herself at her laptop. Turned it on and opened a word document.

"Might as well write it down I guess, maybe it will help me get over myself." She spoke to herself.

To her surprise it was easy; her fingers went faster than her head and thoughts soon stretched down the document.

* * *

><p>'326

I need to vent. Desperately.

She's...no- I can't obsess over her. I don't even like her. I really don't.

So then why am I so quick to beat myself up whenever she passes through my mind? The simple notion breaks the glass around my conscience. Bolts of electricity burn through my nerves and my very being quivers only for a second. It is amazing how fast I catch onto this reaction and stop it. Almost as the force stopping it was just as an unconscious act as swooning over her to begin with. I fancy the games. That's all and I know it's just that. Isn't it…?

So why does she have such power over me? I know not to fall over for the ones above me. And believe me, if she were a structure I'd be the mere bolts holding it down. Not as if we have a co-dependent relationship though. I guess I'd be more like the sign outside her building, giving her that attention with no real connection needed or wanted. Is it because I know I can't get her? She might not even like girls. Although it's known that she's rejected any advancement by all the boys in school, and that she playfully flirts with all her little fangirls.

Why.

I shouldn't even have to ask this. I shouldn't even have to make myself stop thinking about you or stop myself from glancing over at you. I shouldn't even like you. I may be sad, but I'm also vexed. I love the teasing, it is something I enjoy very much so. I don't care that I gain nothing, it's your company I enjoy.

Actually.

I love how you make me so nervous. And how you know it. How you know I stiffen up, nervously try to talk back to you, and make you interested in what I'm saying. Surely that must be what this is right? I love the chase. You're the cat and I'm the mouse. I wouldn't mind if you swept me up with one retracted claw and swallowed me whole. I would relish in your sharpened claws digging to my stomach and the attention gained. The knowing that you sought me out, hunted me, and that you craved to devour me as cats do. I want you to devour me whole, send me into fits of nervous stutters and awkward blushes. I want you to love the power you have over me. But it's it so odd? I wish I could say it doesn't hurt, I wish I could say I didn't want more. But I do. I know if I can't have more, that I will learn to love what connection I have with you, but sometimes this masochistic love is more than I can handle.

But, God do I love the fear of seeing you so close, stepping on my heels as I try to run away, the enjoyment I get from seeing your triumphant face as you grasp me between your paws, when you make it an obligation to tease me with your words to elicit a response...

I love...'

* * *

><p>At this, Natsuki paused. She wouldn't really type that would she? Does she love Shizuru?<p>

A long winded sigh escaped her and Natsuki slumped against the wooden chair, which let out a small cry in the movement under the small girl's weight.

Nonchalantly she let her head hang against the back, slowly rolling her head to the side to glance at the red alarm clock that sat next to her bed. Was it 3 o'clock already? Surely she didn't sleep in that late earlier…did she?

Scanning the rest of the room she saw that Shizuru fixed her bed as if she wasn't between those sheets the night before.

The thought caused a shiver to run down the blunette's spine.

Resolving to move, Natsuki left her laptop open without bothering to save or close the document and stood to stretch. In the middle of her movement, she spotted something sitting on her bed. A piece of paper?

Curious, Natsuki briskly strode to the side of her bed and snatched up the paper. It was a letter Shizuru had left.

'Natsuki,

I'm sorry if I had made you mad at me last night, I know you would not have liked to discuss this in person so I left this note. I'm sure you will find it long after I've left for my errands. My dearest friend I can tell something is bothering you and I want you to know I love and worry. If you ever decide you need someone to talk to, please know I'm here for you. With that being said, I do hope I can come over later, I would love to spend more time with my cute Natsuki-'

Her heart stopped at that. _"My cute Natsuki? You don't even realize how you're torturing me do you?"_ Sighing, she continued reading.

'If you don't mind putting up with me again tomorrow, I will call once I'm done today. Maybe we can have a nice little sleepover with a movie?

Love,

Shizuru.'

"_This woman. She can't see how she affects me."_

"_Isn't that what you wanted though? To never let Shizuru find out? To keep something as stupid as pride in fear of rejection?"_ An annoying conscience chimed in.

She had to admit, she wasn't one for parties and such. A quiet evening at home sounded perfect, and her heart staggered a bit when she thought about it being with Shizuru. Sure they were close friends but the air of constant pressure to restrain her heart around the woman became daunting. She could never say no though, she loved that presence too much. _"Love…that word keeps following me around."_

"Tsk." Natsuki clicked her tongue, trying to dismiss her feelings as if she was in a crowd. Although warmth festered in her chest, she knew she couldn't deny a strong feeling of affection for Shizuru. But she might as well go down kicking in screaming in her mind. How foolish? She knew very well how she felt but even now Natsuki felt it was necessary to still disagree with it.

No matter if she was alone or not, she always felt that she couldn't allow herself to speak the truth of what her heart wanted. What did she have to prove?

She secured the letter in a drawer near her bed and headed to the shower. If Shizuru were to come by, Natsuki wanted to at least look like she didn't sleep all day.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hm…I wonder if Natsuki has found my letter yet<em>." Shizuru thought idly while sitting in the back of a black Cadillac. She knew Natsuki well, and when the girl had something on her mind, the world around her was not something she paid any mind to. The tawny haired girl's mind wandered, she wanted to know what had been upsetting her friend lately. _"Maybe she had been rejected by someone? But who_?" She knew Natsuki was never one to talk about feelings such as that, but if there was someone the girl liked, she would have known by now. Right? The idea of it though, set off a small brush of pain to course through Shizuru's chest. The older woman dismissed the feeling, deciding that surely it's ok for a friend to feel protective of another friend. She reached into her purse and retrieved her phone, deciding to dial a number.

* * *

><p>Stepping out of the shower, Natsuki felt a hundred times better already. Showers were like a mental wash for her. It was a time of solidarity where her mind could roam and relieve all the burdens it had been carrying.<p>

Just when her mind felt at ease, her ears picked up on a particularly annoying chime. She knew the sound and hunted down her phone, finding it in her jeans from yesterday. Secretly she had hoped to hear a certain girl's voice, with her hopes clutching in her chest she opened it and held it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Natsuki!"

A grumble. "Hey Mai."

"Whoa don't sound too disappointed! So I saw that you and Shizuru went home together last night, how was it?" This girl seemed too chirpy sometimes.

"Don't get any ideas. I slept on the couch." Came a bitter reply. _"Wait she doesn't know how I feel about Shizuru, why am I being so harsh?"_

"Um should I be getting ideas? You sound a bit defensive there Natsuki." A giggle could be heard through the speaker.

"What! No! I'm going Mai, bye."

There was a roar of laughter "Wait Natsuki! I-" The line went dead.

"Idiot." Natsuki spit in embarrassment. Her hands unconsciously clutched the phone as she bore holes at nothing in particular, seething over Mai's laughing.

Just then another loud chime broke her thoughts. Without thinking Natsuki swung open her phone in a fit. "What!"

"Oh my." It was only two words but the honey coated sweetness of the sound caused Natsuki to nearly drop her towel as her legs lightly quivered.

"_Oh shit." _Natsuki gulped.

"I'm sorry Shizuru, I didn't mean to get rude, I thought you were Mai and Mai was being stupid and laughing and-"

A cute chuckle cut her from her nervous babble.

"It's quite alright Natsuki. Have you got my note? Or did you not notice it because of your busy busy schedule?" Another adorable chuckle followed.

"O-Of course! And it's Saturday, I'm allowed to relax." Natsuki dismissed, secretly enjoying Shizuru's teasing.

"Hm…I guess you're right. But what do you say about a movie night Natsuki?"

"S-sure, that sounds fun."

"Great! I have a few good romance movies in mind."

Natsuki's heart skipped a few beats and her mouth went dry. Watching a romance movie? With Shizuru? What has she done that was so bad in life? Yeah it would be a great time to make a move if she wasn't so set on trying to fight these thoughts and feelings.

"Sounds great Shizuru, I'll see you later though ok? I, uh, I have to get some stuff done." She lied, she just wanted to end the call as soon as possible.

"Ok Natsuki, I'll see you soon."

Silence followed a muffled movement and Natsuki shut her phone. Emotionally drained once again she walked over and collapsed on her bed. So much for feeling better after her shower. With her face in the pillow, she inhaled. It smelled just like Shizuru. Just as she let her guard down, she wrapped her arms around the pillow gently holding it, letting her mind drift to the older woman's face. A small smile appeared on her lips.

Suddenly she jerked herself from her thoughts. Angry with letting herself sink back into those thoughts she left the pillow and shook herself from the daydream.

Natsuki stalked over to her closet and got dressed.

After this, the nervous girl decided on cleaning up her apartment a bit and fixing her favorite snack of a mayo sandwich. Now it's justdown to playing the waiting game.

* * *

><p>Hours passed by and a soft rapt sounded from her door. Mustering courage, the younger woman walked across the living room and opened the door. She was greeted by a wonderful smile and ruby eyes that glinted with mirth.<p>

"Natsuki!" arms wrapped around her neck and pulled her in for another chaste kiss on the cheek. The latter could feel her knees nearly give out and tried to restrain her erratic heart.

"Hey Shizuru, how did your errands go?"

A small huff was a response as Shizuru's pink lips thinned in a small smile.

"_It's amazing that she can be so cute, without even trying."_ Natsuki thought.

Both girls got settled and Shizuru presented the 'romance' movies she mentioned earlier. They both sat at opposite sides of the couch.

Natsuki felt very anxious about this, she knew the whole time it would be a battle to not look at Shizuru.

The other girl wasn't helping this cause either. Both girls had their feet curled under them and every so often, Shizuru would reposition her legs which would softly graze against Natsuki's feet. This caused the girl to shiver and her breath to catch.

"_Don't move, don't do anything Natsuki. Watch the movie_." The last part the younger girl seemed to chant to herself to keep her focus off of the beautiful woman right next to her.

The movie progressed, with some murmurs, sighs, and Shizuru finding Natsuki's hand to squeeze while 'awing' at mushy parts.

"_This is just like every single romance movie out there."_ Natsuki thought cynically. _"The guy thinks he likes her, then does everything he can to get the girl."_

A twinge of spite and bitterness struck Natsuki at the thought. It was just so easy for the fictional character; he could have her if he wanted. She couldn't have Shizuru if she wanted, which she totally didn't. Not at all.

Sucked into her own thoughts, she didn't notice Shizuru repositioning herself. The older woman decided to lean on Natsuki, draping her arms around the younger girl's waist. Although the second the tawny hair brushed against Natsuki's nape, she instantly shuddered and slightly jumped.

"_What do I do?"_ Her heart race started to double. The muscles in her body hurt in anticipation, they seemed that they wanted to move but couldn't.

Slowly, her neck moved to the side and she looked out the side. Shizuru's eyes were open but barely, Natsuki could still make out the glimmer of happiness in those piercing orbs. _"She must be tired."_

Eventually the movie ended, and the bluenette fidgeted nervously. The older woman was fast asleep, leaving Natsuki even more panicked. _"Do I wake her up?"_

Gently moving to wrap her arms around Shizuru, Natsuki shivered. Not because of low temperature but because the tawny haired woman emitted the most beckoning warmth Natsuki could ever imagine. She continued to move the woman so she could pick her up bridal style, while trying to ignore her racing thoughts. Unknown to Natsuki, Shizuru had woken up. The older woman decided to remain still and now enjoyed seeing the younger girl take care of her.

Slowly, long, slender arms enclosed around Natsuki's neck and she could hear faint murmurs in what seemed like the older woman's sleep. The former decided to ignore the sleep induced affection, there was no need in trying to make her brain trust what her heart wanted to believe. She soon reached the bedroom and gently laid the woman under the covers and tried to recede. Although the strong arms around her neck halted any movement backwards. Unsure what to do, Natsuki considered staying the night in here considering her captive state. But the thought sent a throb of pain to course through her.

"_I can't be near her. It will only make me think about things like…"_ The younger girl mentally kicked herself, instantly feeling disgusted at her own feelings.

She slowly pried the laced fingers from around her neck and made her exit from the bedroom, with her hopes slowly crushing her chest. With the door shut, her head instantly hung. Strings of hair followed the movement and brushed against her cheek. One tear rolled down to meet those strings of hair.

Shizuru finally opened her eyes with a small pout. Why didn't Natsuki ever want to be around her?

Although from the corner of her eye, there was a blue light that cut her from her thoughts. It was Natsuki's laptop that she so carelessly left open. And it seems as though a document was open, with writing on it.

"Hmm?" A soft questioning mumble left Shizuru's throat as she gently got out of bed to make her way to the desk.

* * *

><p>That's it for now! I had to make myself stop writing on this chapter haha I know I'm not the best writer out there so forgive me if I make any mistakes.<p>

I just wanted to make sure I'm not confusing anyone here, Shizuru did feel something the other night when she kissed Natsuki on the neck but everything she's done has just been playful flirting. Natsuki on the other hand, is denying everything she's feeling now that she thinks she got rejected the other night.

I have to say, this story is based on something that happened to me. All of these events are fabricated but Natsuki and her thought process is something I went through. Although if I followed my story I'd probably be burned at the stake by all the ShizNat fans out there. And the small entry Natsuki wrote on her laptop was something I wrote about someone I still have feelings for, I wanted to give insight on how it feels and add more layers to Natsuki. Obviously now we can see Natsuki feels disgusted at her feelings, because she's afraid of scaring Shizuru off.

And the other day, when I was going back over my favorite fanfic "Go Home, Natsuki"(which you should totally check out!) I saw that the author also based it on something that they experienced. I just want to say that I wrote this without that knowledge and I don't want to make it seem that I ripped off the idea.

Anyways. Thanks to EVERYONE! I love seeing the reviews and you guys adding this to your watch/favorites. And thanks to everyone who is reading! I love you all :)


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